Elijah's painting for children whose parents have divorced
My 8 year old son Elijah has been asking me to help him make a guided relaxation recording for kids who have divorced parents, as he does. Today, we sat down together and made it. I think he did a fantastic job. His little boy-ness comes right out 
right along with his beautiful heart. You can listen and get the download here:
It’s available as an mp3 download at my ReverbNation store, too: 
Thoughts about self-esteem, after realizing mine needs a tune-up:
Developing self-esteem is about building muscles that support being who I am. It may feel awkward at first, and unnatural to stand up in life like I matter. I may resist, initially, the self-discipline required to truly take care of myself. But as I keep showing up, one baby step at a time, it will emerge. And the muscles I build will be the ones that help me shine, succeed, enjoy life, stand up for myself, live my dream, love fiercely and claim the right to embody heaven on earth.
This song, Let Them Grow, is from my album “the Giving Prayer“.
Are you still chopping down your apple trees for firewood
Are you still giving away your power because you think you should
Yes it’s true, I know, that more will grow
But there’s something else I see that I want you to know
You’ve been given gifts to give so that we all might live
More abundantly and free
It is good and right for you to shine your light
and let the apples grow and ripen on your trees
So don’t burn them up
And break your cup
Trying so hard to please
Cause when you let them grow –
And they will, you know –
They will bless many more than you will ever, ever know
©2011 Trina Brunk. All Rights Reserved.
Running Free by Charlie Armour, Ian Henderson and Trina Brunk
The creative process that gave birth to this album was an adventure for me. Time after time, Charlie and Ian would send me these tracks — music that stirred me in new places, music I felt I could walk inside of and look around and experience in an almost visual and tactile way. Charlie and Ian would say, “Trina can you give me lyrics and vocals to this?”
Let me just say, too, that this is not music like anything I’ve written or recorded on my own. It’s a completely different experience for me.
I would shake and say, “NnnnnnnYes.” Not knowing how I would do it, but intrigued enough to pick up my note book and pen and click the “play” button in the mp3 file they’d sent.
Listening to the song, scribbling down as fast as I could the words the music evoked for me – then sitting down with the pages, paring them down into poetry . . .
Then, turning on the recording equipment and just singing the poetry to the music. Feeling the music draw new expressions out of me. Usually three or four tracks would be all that was needed, and the process became one of weeding out anything less than Yes. We’d go back and forth refining until suddenly the song was done. And there it would lie, glistening in the sun, a thing of beauty and aliveness. And I’d feel breathless and thrilled and ready for more.
Each song is its own adventure. Each one is another aspect of being alive, here, now. Being immediately, intimately present to the uniqueness that is each moment.
Running Free is now available for MP3 download. Click here to listen to samples or download your copy.
A Note — these songs are experienced most fully with headphones on.
This album emerges at the same time that I learn that my father has been diagnosed with mesothelioma, a form of cancer that is caused by asbestos exposure.
Many of my brilliant and industrious siblings are good at critical thinking and research. They are working overtime to figure out what Dad can do to beat this thing.
When I try to go there, I feel overwhelmed, dizzy, confused and the grief comes up & blocks out my view so I really can’t read anything. I realize that this must not be my gift to Dad.
So I put it down, knowing that the research project is already in very good hands.
And I sing.
And I think about what my dad means to me. Whether he has a few more months left on the planet or 25 more years, this diagnosis is serving as a wake-up call, waking me up to what I love most about Dad, and about being alive.
And this is where I dwell.
Some of the many things I love about my dad:
I love his puttering ways. I love the consummate patience, persistence, skill and creativity he brings to any project that he takes up. I love the way he substitutes funny nonsense words for curse words, like when he’d smash his finger while working in his jungle of a shop on my car, he’d yell “DadGUMMIT!” or calling someone a “knucklehead” for doing something ill-conceived.
I love the way he loves God. When we all sit down at the dinner table, mouths watering at the feast Mom & daughters had assembled, we’d wait impatiently until every single person was there and seated with us. Then there would be a hush, and Dad’s voice would begin: “Dear Heavenly Father . . . .” and the love that would descend on each one of us was indeed divine, and it was human, too, because in these moments, every day, I received such a reminder that I loved and cared for by my earthly father as well as my heavenly one.
The Giving Prayer
Dad is always insistent that no one, not one of us, can do anything on our own steam; that all comes from God. I find this to be a potent reminder to really ask the question, what has been given to me to do? What is the gift God would give through me? What is not mine to do, what do I need to release, to delegate? where is my pride keeping me from knowing the deep grace and beauty and love that comes from being truly humble?
And this is the heart of this album, the Giving Prayer. Thank you Dad.
This album features many solo original pieces, as usual, but this time there are some additional creative expressions represented including the song “Holy Love” by Patricia McKernon Runkle, the magical flute music of RAVEN WOLF C. FELTON JENNINGS II and the powerful ambient instrumental work of Ian Henderson. Now available as an MP3 album.
Click here to download the MP3 album »
tracks:
Guided Meditation by Rev. Kristin Powell with original music by Trina Brunk
In June Rev. Kristin Powell (Unity Center of Columbia) and I released a collaborative guided meditation album called “Seasons of the Soul”. She and I began our sessions with prayer and tuning in to the energy of a particular season, then we intuitively wove music and words together. The end result is a deeply soulful journey to the heart of what it means to be human. Already the feedback is great. We’ve sold many of these beautiful CD’s and may need to order a fresh run soon. Get your copy today »
by Trina Brunk
The Giving Prayer
by Trina Brunk, Charlie Armour and Ian Henderson with Linwood Riley Jr.
Cover art for Safe Passage
When my friend and Reiki teacher Dianna Drinkard made her life transition this past Christmas, I felt a need to put together some songs in an album in honor of her. Some had been recorded specifically for her; others were ones I’d enjoyed sharing with her. A few were recorded after she passed as I felt steeped in the awareness of her continued presence. All were channeled with loving intent.
Dianna taught me about unconditional love by being unconditional love. Even (sometimes especially) in the places I didn’t know love could go. She also was the friend I emailed first when I made a new song. I’d send her the MP3 and wait on the edge of my seat to hear what she thought of it. Her feedback was always very candid and exquisitely communicated. I was over the moon when she liked a song, and felt crusty and resentful when she didn’t. But I so enjoyed sharing with her and I always felt exhilarated and filled with life when we talked. I learned from her husband David that the song “Peace Now” was the song that was playing when she made her transition. He felt that the music helps with healing, helping to ease difficult transitions. I dedicate this album with love and gratitude to my wonderful friends Dianna and David Drinkard.
Here is a track from the album. This is a new recording of Rain Song, first appearing in the album “Breathe in the World”. Rain Song was inspired by a conversation with Dianna. It came first from an attempt at empathizing with people who are in a difficult place in their lives, trouble with no relief in sight — a place I would typically mentally distance from or try to positively affirm away. After writing and recording and listening to the song, however, I realized that it was exactly what I personally needed. And that positive focus on top of repressed misery, no matter how hard I try, never attracted a damn good thing. The first step in transforming my experience is to stop dodging, tell the truth about how I’m feeling . . . let my heart break open wide, let the tears come. Stop holding myself separate from life (like I could, anyway).
The angel on the cover is my once-tiny son Elijah, backed by the trees lining a creek here in mid-Missouri, and on the back cover, an image of two of my favorite young people, Elijah and niece Allia relaxing and playing by the creek. To me these images convey the sense of joy and peace and being-ness that help ground our passage through all kinds of weather. The texture and pattern of the Indian sari at the bottom border is my personal shorthand for a reminder that passage into strange, new (to me) lands can take me to a sensual place of experiencing my own soul in a different way.
Safe Passage is an album for healing, meditation and ease during major life transitions. I offer it with love and gratitude.
Tracks:
1. Peace Now 5:22
2. Joy 9:59
3. It Will Grow 3:16
4. Rain Song 4:56
5. Alleluia 4:36
6. Healing Prayer 6:06
7. Safe Passage 7:28
8. Hot cup of Miso on a rainy night 4:21
9. New Life 4:26
10. for Dianna 8:30
11. Winter Solstice 3:36
Total running time: 62:36
Thank you to Dinah and Gayle and the rest of the community at Tri-Valley Unity in San Ramon, CA — I enjoyed sharing music with you! Here are mp3′s of the songs I sang. I plan to include new recordings of these songs on my next album.
Enjoy!
12/5/2010
This fall has been a rich time of collaborating with other artists — Ian Henderson and Charlie Armour. Today I released some of our new collaborations, which you can listen to or download here.
Ian Henderson, a.k.a. Painted Water
In addition to creating gorgeously textured, sometimes epic soundscapes with hints of Nature’s presence, Ian is also an amazing landscape painter. You can visit his sites here: music and art.
Charlie Armour is an enormously talented, multi-faceted British music film composer. He and Ian took vocals I created and turned them into “Sands of Time” (see above), soundtrack for Dustin Hawkins’ TV miniseries “Ikari”. You can listen to more of Charlie’s work here.
Here is an article I wrote to help organize what I think I’m learning through being a parent, and approaching it as consciously as I can. As it came into form, I realized that there is a lot more here that I want to write about. It also called to mind “Overflowing”, a song I recently re-recorded for my album, The Giving Prayer.
watch the youtube video here:
Clearly, it can be challenging to stay conscious as a parent. I think that as a spiritual practice, it has to be a fast-track to enlightenment. It’s just that so many of us haven’t engaged it that way because to do so requires immense courage and faith, and there aren’t many examples available to us. It is much easier on Sunday to put the kids in daycare and get our enlightenment in the sanctuary with all the other polite adults. We can ignore our traumatized places and put on our happy perfect faces.
I’ve been interested in conscious parenting since I was a little girl. I remember listening to my mom yell at me about cleaning my room and thinking she could get a lot further with me if she would just talk respectfully. I promised myself that if I ever had kids, I would do a better job than she. While my mom was all about being in control at all times, I was full of dreams about creating mutual wins, treating each other respectfully, and having fun together.
And now that I’m a mom, (you knew this was coming) I can understand and appreciate my mom a lot more. Although our styles are different, I know now that it would be arrogant to even imply that I could do a better job than she did. I have found being a parent can be all at once humbling, mystifying, thrilling and sometimes shattering. Not such good news to my ego.
Perfect Parenting vs. Conscious Parenting
Conscious Parenting isn’t about being perfect, another opportunity for you to feel guilty and nail yourself for getting it all wrong. It’s the opposite of perfectionism, which, while it seems harmless, is key in keeping the painful story going.
Perfect is focused on behavior and appearances.
Conscious is focused on the inner experience.
Perfect is about forcing or controlling to bring about a desired outcome in the future.
As a conscious parent, my priority is connection and bringing my awareness to the present moment.
Perfectionism seeks approval in vain. Funny, I almost wrote “vein”, which expresses it maybe better — seeking an intravenous infusion of approval from an outside source, a drug that must constantly be sought but that never, ever gives the deep nourishment we really need . . . its futile quest is to medicate an imagined deficit. And that’s the trap, because you’ll never be good enough when you’re judged against an illusion. That’s what perfection does: sets up an illusory, unattainable goal, and then accepts nothing less. Do we really want to hold ourselves and our children up to this unforgiving measure? Failure is guaranteed; the soul has no choice but to express through dysfunction.
Consciousness experiences being in the moment. There is no lack, no right & wrong way to behave: instead, a deeper awareness of the love that we are guides our decisions. We get to live deeper lives when we engage life consciously. Yes, it can be messy — but so worth it.
Consciousness naturally releases us from the hold of past trauma, while perfectionism ensures that trauma is perpetuated.
Using triggers to track down and transform cycles of trauma and abuse
It’s cliche’ to talk about parenting as being the most difficult job in the world. I think it’s a mistake to blame that on children. I think it’s challenging to engage parenting consciously specifically because of all the trauma we carry from generations and lives past. Unless we can find ways that work for us to heal and release the cycles of trauma and abuse, we’ll pass them on.
Toni A. Rahman, LCSW is a counselor and therapist in Columbia, Missouri. She sees clients every day who are grappling with the various manifestations of trauma, and she supports individuals and families in releasing painful patterns and claiming renewed lives. According to Toni, “Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes and tends to plague us all to varying degrees at one time or another, whether it’s the Big-T Trauma of an automobile accident or the loss of a loved one, or the smaller-t trauma a child experiences when encountering emotions that he or she can’t yet put into words.”
When we live with the effects of unhealed trauma, it can be hard to think clearly and respond appropriately to what is really present — we’re caught in a loop trying to address something that happened in the past. When we’re with young children who have not yet learned to dodge the places where we’re traumatized, we can feel our painful places triggered constantly. Which is exhausting!
In my journey in moving from perfectionism to conscious parenting, I have found these triggers to be a powerful opportunity for healing and growth. Even while it may feel awful at the time, a trigger always points directly to something that I’ve hidden from myself due to past trauma, but that will hinder my growth and healing until it is revealed and released.
My personal practice has been that when I feel deeply triggered, to “be like a log” — do nothing, just observe myself, and pay attention to my breath.
One big trigger for me is when my two young sons fight. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told them to stop fighting with each other. I’ve told them to make up and be friends and the battle intensifies. I’ve screamed at them and threatened them and been big scary monster mommy. No luck. “Being Like A Log” can sometimes be excruciating because it calls to my present awareness some old long-forgotten pain that had been too much for me to handle at the time and which I had stashed away for such a moment as this.
What I first notice are the beliefs flying around in my head about the situation. “He’s evil.” “He must be punished.” “I have to put a stop to this.” The next thing that comes to my awareness is the intensity of my feelings — often grief, rage, terror. Always, the feelings I have are out of context with what is actually happening between the boys in the present moment. They are feelings left over from what happened in the past. Any actions I take while in this state will be similarly out of context, and I’m at risk of being abusive myself.
I sit and be still, and watch my breath, and feel my feelings. I also find prayer to be very powerful. I ask for help in healing and releasing the trauma, as necessary — sometimes, the trigger is so great and my mind is mush, and asking for help is all I can think of to do. But it’s enough. And I feel myself coming more into the present moment.
Often after giving myself some space, watching my breath, connecting with myself and feeling my feelings, almost like magic, I notice that the children are playing delightedly with each other. Doing and saying things together that are so beautiful to me that they bring tears to my eyes.
Now, please be clear — I am NOT saying that I think it’s a bad idea when kids are fighting with each other or bullying to set firm limits and re-direct and give information about how to get needs met in a positive way. I most certainly do think that these are important skills. What I’m talking about is recurring situations where you’re feeling really triggered, where you feel the pressure rising and it feels all too familiar — you are concerned that you might flip out and act in a way that damages your relationship with your child.
Take the test
Do you see yourself as being someone who’s relatively free from trauma? A great test is this — play with your child. Let them take the lead. Do what they choose. Do it for 15 minutes — set a timer and don’t look at your watch for the duration. Notice how you feel. Do you feel refreshed and invigorated and in love with the young person you’re with? Or are you feeling drained, frustrated, bored, antsy? Can’t wait for it to be over? Sometimes I struggle with staying awake while playing with my four-year-old, but have a very easy time hanging out with my seven-year-old, which tells me that there’s material ripe for healing my inner four-year-old, and that I’m pretty clear at the inner seven-year-old level.
If you find yourself experiencing some stuck places, do yourself and your family a favor and get help! You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and you and your family deserve to be free of painful patterns. Don’t isolate. Whether through reaching out to a friend, committing to a course of therapy, spending time in nature, praying and asking for prayers of others, there is help available. Yes, it takes courage! But when we engage the process of becoming more conscious, we can begin to release the wounds of countless generations, and set into motion a new way of being that will bless countless generations to come.
I grew up around gardens, but Rob, my husband did not. One spring day I invited him out to plant some seeds in our garden bed with me. It took me by surprise to note his reluctance to plant seeds in the ground. When he confessed that he didn’t believe anything would happen, that nothing would come up, I suddenly understood the profound gift I’d received in witnessing my mother’s practical faith, demonstrated over and over again every year when she started seeds for her garden. She planted the seeds, watered and nurtured them, and they grew. This metaphor is a rich one, and one I don’t take for granted any more. Listen to a sample or download the MP3.
It Will Grow
©2010 Trina Brunk and Laughing Turtle Family LLC
Here in this seed in my hand
I hold a gift for this land
we all take it for granted
that the seeds that we’ve planted will grow
cause we reap what we sow . . .
Though what I hold may seem small
though I may stumble and fall,
I give my best cause I know
that I reap what I sow
the seeds that Love has planted in me
can feed multitudes and set us all free
I can give & receive, have faith and achieve
and find out what happens when I only believe
Though what I hold may seem small
though I may stumble and fall,
I give my best cause I know
I know ‘cause my soul told me so –
I know in my heart, yes I know
that this seed will grow . . . we reap what we sow.
